Insomnia

I’ve had nine and a half hours of sleep since Monday. I am sitting here listening to the movie my girlfriend fell asleep to (PS I Love You). My side table is littered with remotes, books, my phone, and a Mountain Dew. I shouldn’t be sharing this but it’s part of my superpower and curse. Sleep fails to be a convenience in my life. Insomnia claimed me over two decades ago (I’m 34…you do the math).

The curse about not sleeping tonight has to do with my plans for tomorrow. As part of my birthday celebration for my son. We’re going to the Natural Bridge State Park and the Kentucky Reptile Zoo. I believe I’m as excited as he is!

The title of the main book beside me, The Darkest Minds, keeps drawing my attention. Three words speak volumes as I battle with my own dark mind, I fight a never-ending battle that never truly stops. It comes from the same place as doubt and fear but worse than both. It flows through your veins with each blood cell. It shoots like electricity through your nerves. It paralyzes you and you don’t know why. My panic and anxiety are on hyper-drive.

I shouldn’t explain what I’m going through as I fight through this. I can feel myself want to slam a screwdriver through my temple. The bottles on top of my fridge beckon me. The pain in my eyes tries to bring me to my knees. I keep fighting. I pretend everything is normal and the same. I act goofy and crazy to make everyone unaware so they don’t worry. How do you explain that you can feel yourself falling apart? It’s only temporary but fuck! I hate it. I hate myself. I feel like everything wrong is my fault. Get this out of my head!

I’m just ready to find my way back to the peace and solace that lingers quietly in a corner of my heart.  The tears can stop at any time now. I’m sorry. Let’s try to sleep.

I love you all,

Raymond

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